January 26, 2012

National Peanut Brittle Day

“Come, my little peanut of brittle. I will help you. Wait for me. Wait.” - Pepe Le Pew

It's National Peanut Brittle Day!

Sometimes I cook naked. It's never intentional. I'm usually getting ready to take a shower, and as I'm undressing I think, "Maybe I should start cooking the such-and-such so that when I get out of the shower it'll be mostly ready." And, it just so happens that every time I do cook naked, it involves molten-lava levels of heat.

Like tonight.

I called my friend, a professional pastry chef, and the moment she picked up I frantically yelled, "I'M STANDING NAKED IN FRONT OF A BOILING POT OF CORN SYRUP AND SUGAR. AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE PEANUT BRITTLE. AND I DON'T HAVE A CANDY THERMOMETER WHICH I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU NEEDED. AND I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA BURN MY NIPPLES OFF! SHOULD I BE SCARED?!"

To which she, unruffled by my antics, calmly replied, "Yes, you should be. I mean, who cooks peanut brittle without a candy thermometer?"

"Who cooks peanut brittle naked?! My nipples are literally trying to crawl back inside my body because they're afraid of being scorched off. Now, tell me what I'm supposed to do!"

She then talked me through making peanut brittle - which is believed to be one of the first candies ever made, by the way - based entirely on my description of what colors the mixture was turning. I'd give her credit for the awesome instructions she gave me, but really I think the reason my peanut brittle came out so darn good was because of my obviously innate ability to cook anything masterfully whilst nekkid.*

Happy National Peanut Brittle Day!


*Almanac of Eats does not support naked cooking. When you expose your bits to burners and boilers, you're begging to have them blistered off. So make good choices when cooking in your kitchen, and tuck those tatas and testes away!